The beginning

This first post is hard. How do I explain all that I have been through in the past 4 months? We took our journey of a lifetime, and came home a broken family. The choice was not easy, and I'll refrain from going into all the details. Some things are best left unsaid. But now I am here grappling with the possibility that we will never be whole again. If nothing else, we will never be the same people that set out for Alaska this past May. Some days, I'm not even sure what to hope for. All I can do is ask God to point me towards ultimate truth.
Truth is something I have always sought, but at the same time, I have always had a hard time speaking my own personal truths. If I fear that it will hurt someone, or cause a confrontation, I often in the past have pushed it under. This has been my own folly. I know that now. On some level I have always known it.
Even tonight, I wonder if posting this blog is the right thing to do. How much of my story is appropriate to share? I'm not sure. All I know is that it seems that many others are having the same struggle. Many families are falling apart at the seams, and so many of us are afraid to speak, afraid that our own dysfunction might bring shame upon the people that we love.
In my journal I wrote an entry a few months ago. At the end I said "Shame has no part in my life anymore, I have banished it." If this is, and can be true, then my story MUST be told. It must be told in love. At least the part where I broke free of the cycle, and moved out into an uncertain world. Some might say that it's a "grass is greener" scenario. But really, when I looked across that fence, I saw no green grass. I saw a lonely wasteland. I saw discomfort and pain. I didn't want to cross over, but something inside me told me that if I didn't, this side of the fence would open up and swallow me and my whole family. I knew this to be that still small voice. The one that I was trying so hard to ignore for so long.
So here I am, moved back in with my parents. Sharing custody of my kids with the man I married almost 5 years ago, and trying to figure out how we can save first ourselves, and then hopefully our union.
For me, speaking out is a double edged sword. On the one hand, I don't want to pretend like everything is okay, and life is proceeding as normal. On the other hand, I don't want to be accused of stirring up drama, or trying to gain attention. This is simply my truth. Finally. I am fucked up. My marriage is in serious trouble. We are both taking all possible actions to become the ones that we should have been able to be from the beginning. Maybe that will be enough to save it, but maybe not. Either way, I hope that we can come to a place where we can say it was all worth it. That we did the best we could, and are better people because of it, better parents, and better to ourselves. That is my hope.
To any of you out there who share this struggle, know this; you are not alone. You are stronger than you think, and the truth, especially uncomfortable truth, WILL set you free.